Anonymous asked: Hey - I just read your post about guilt. I just wanted to say you are a good person. It's human to fall short of yours and others hopes sometimes. From your post it's obvious how much you care. I am sure in the future you will have the power to make your family happy, so keep going forward and I hope you can be happy yourself x
Thank you. Thanks for being bothered and giving me a positive push. I really will try. Thanks again.
Disclaimer: read only if you have patience and time to hear someone in deep guilt.
Guilt, though a short word with mere five letters makes you feel so broken.
I am just teen like any other. Had fun during college like most and not being much worried of the next step. Diplomatic and a positive thinker I was. Though I am even now. Done with 12th board and qualified with very good score. The sail all through was pretty happy going. It was well decided what all entrances to be written. Though I had taken maths and science as majors, I had a secret attraction towards taking up a law entrance and well I did take.
Next, extremely disheartening to face the fact that I haven’t even done even a single entrance good enough to put me in a better college. And honestly, this is the worst feeling.
Being brought up in a loving Indian family, I respect my parents the most and especially dad. He is a kind of person who wants good results from his children but later he accepts whatever they score. No complaints and no demands and that’s the best thing to know that you are not put down just cause of the number of marks you score in an exam. He had asked me to do well in the coming engineering entrance and pretty confidently I nodded and said, “I promise to get a state rank below 5000.” A rank below 5000 would put you in the best college over the state.
Days went on happily with music, sleep, food and a little time for books. And then, everything went on a fast pace and days started running and hell, I was done with the most important academic exam too, in that cool attitude. Now being well aware of how everything went, I feel ashamed of myself. The guilt of having cool and over-confident attitude is literally making hard to keep myself in peace. It is pricking me all over.
I really believe that just a single sheet of examination will not decide my life and my career but hell, what about the promises I had made. The guilt of not working hard enough to fulfill the promise made is surrounding me everywhere and every time. The guilt is taking me in the past every moment. The guilt is making me regret. The guilt is making me feel useless. The guilt has so entered my subconscious mind that..I am falling short of words to describe it all.
I had big dreams, and a belief that I have the ability to achieve them and now when everything shattered, it feels like worst. Worst is a smaller word to describe it all. I don’t know where i’ll be in coming months, which good college will accept me and what career i’ll choose. What I know is, I haven’t done anything to achieve my dreams. I had seen dreams but was late to wake up and achieve them!
P.S. Thanks for reading.